Check-in
Hey y’all,
It’s been a minute because I’ve been in a depressive episode for the past month-ish. I’ve had the urge to write but none of the topics that I have written down are speaking to me right now, or I just don’t have the energy to go into as much detail about them as I’d like. So I figured we could just do a check-in.
First off, I’m fine. This is not the first time I’ve been depressed, and it won’t be the last (not pessimism, I just have clinical depression and this is part of my life). I’m in a space right now where I’m really trying to learn what makes me happy. I came to the harsh realization that I don’t know what makes me happy and I don’t know what I want to do with my career.
For my whole life, I’ve been watched, for either scrutiny or praise. Being a child with severe depression and anxiety looked like me not wanting to play with other kids. It looked like me seeming “stingy” when my OCD wouldn’t allow my already precise plan for eating or playing to be thrown off. It looked like anger. It also looked like success- I was a perfect student. I knew how to plan, execute, and perfect (shout out to my OCD). My perception of my childhood was that I was never neutral or unrecognized or “just some kid”. This has been terrible for me as an adult.
I especially hate all of the praise I got. Everyone expected so much greatness from me and I delivered. I’m fortunate enough to have accomplished many things in my life that I’m truly grateful for. The price, however, is that I don’t feel like I’m able to make a mistake or just coast without it being a big deal.
I remember being in middle school and, after always getting perfect scores, I had gotten a B on something. Everyone in class gasped and made comments like, “Oh my God! I can’t believe Meghan got a B.” Meanwhile, the kid who got straight Cs was never put on the spot for it. Fast forward to now and I can’t stop doing stuff. I’m exhausted, I’m sick, I gained a bunch of weight, and worst of all, I’m not happy.
This is not to say that I am regretful- I am not. One, I’ve done a lot of things that I have enjoyed and I’ve learned so much about myself. Like one thing I know makes me happy is traveling (unfortunately, I’m not in a place where I can do this constantly). Another thing I’ve learned is that my entire identity is rooted in my career/what I can produce, and my anxiety. This makes sense being that the thing I was praised for was school. (The kicker is, I’ve learned that I actually really do love to learn. I LOVED getting my degrees and wouldn’t change that at all.- this involved me being able to tell the difference between an OCD trait and a genuine interest. I’m still working on this skill). For example, I can’t just take a yoga class, I have to be “perfect” and get certified as a yoga instructor.
Figuring it out with Fran.
I’m praised for having all these certifications and being “well-rounded” but in reality, it’s just a compulsion. This puts me in a place where I don’t know myself and am unhappy. I find that even in trying to discover what makes me happy, I’m thinking in terms of a career. “Maybe this job will make me happy…or this one…” I’m still working on my identity and recognizing my intrinsic value.
I also think a lot. I mean A LOT. My mind will tie everything back to some social justice topic or some story that I’ve completely concocted in my head. I can’t even make a grocery list without thinking about migrants who are victims of labor trafficking and their families. I’ll go through a whole backstory about their family and it takes a while to pull my mind back out of rabbit holes. I get chronic headaches and muscle aches from my obsessive thoughts. I get extreme fatigue from my depression. (A lot of times people will ask me what other forms of OCD look like besides hand-washing and being tidy, so there’s a glimpse).
Anyway, here I am. I am trying to PAUSE AND LET GO. I have stopped all of my certifications, side gigs, classes, in order to purposefully and intentionally do nothing. It’s hard y’all! My brain is running, always. Even when I catch myself thinking about what I think would make me happy or what I want to do next, I stop it and breathe. I would like to stop chasing things and let happiness find me. I want to do what I feel like when I feel like it. I want to do something stupid and make mistakes even. I’ve never let myself do this before. And I cannot stress enough how hard it is to let go. Daily hot yoga helps quite a bit. I also find peace in knowing that finding myself and what makes me happy is not something that many people get to do. I’m intentionally putting myself through discomfort in order to find something better on the other side.
Even through over-working myself and feeling the pressure of being under a microscope, I’ve been comfortable because it’s what I know. But it got to a point where it became uncomfortable as I began to grow. (Shout out to my therapist, if you’re reading this!) So here I am, feeling lost and scared. And I continue to find curiosity helpful. Asking myself, “Am I happy or comfortable?” and being willing to change my behavior and welcome discomfort for something better that I don’t even know exists yet.
In curiosity,
Meghan
